Another year older

I turned 36 last Sunday. Rob asked me if I was happy. I could only shrug my shoulders and give a wry smile.

I find it really weird that I always feel melancholic during and around the days that lead to my birthday. It has been this way ever since I was about 10. I have been trying to dig deep down to find out what could have caused me to feel so depressed in the hope that I could acknowledge and get over it. Was it events during my childhood? Is it the anxiety over getting old? Funny thing is, no matter how hard I try, I can't seem to shake it off.

It bugs me because I want to be joyful, I want to FEEL it. It bugs me even more that I have to force myself to perk up because I want to share the joy of my family. But I don't really feel it. Believe me I've been trying. Calling Dr. Phil?...

Could it be a fact of life that birthday celebrations are just really meant for kids? One where you are excited to receive presents, have people genuinely sing the Birthday Song? Feel the magic of it all. Could it be as one gets older, it should no longer be a celebration? A countdown maybe?

No. I refuse to think of it that way. I want to think and believe that it is a celebration of ones milestones. How far you have come. How much you have contributed to making this world a better place. Maybe that's just it. I don't feel like I have done much yet. I don't feel completely fulfilled. Maybe I equate it too much with money. Maybe my idea of a celebration is something I have not been able to do yet. Perhaps I am expecting too much? Expecting something magical to happen. Maybe I'll always be a kid at heart.

Even if I feel so somber, I am definitely thankful. Thankful for another year. Thankful that I can still celebrate it with my family. That I am still here, and that there are people that love me enough to actually celebrate. I really don't know what it would take for my feelings to change. I just hope I can figure it out soon, because I really don't want next year to be just another birthday...maybe I can try a different approach next time. We'll see...

A Prayer For The New Year

I'm looking up at the night sky, watching the colorful display of fireworks from all around. I momentarily turn away to greet my loved ones a Happy New Year and once again return my gaze to the sky.

As I marvel at the displays in the heavens, I say a silent prayer that this 2008 be a good year for everyone. That each one may be blessed, that each one may have peace. That each one may have just a little more patience, a little more tolerance for each other. That we can all learn to respect each other amidst our differences. To live and let live. That those who need be enlightened, be healed, be comforted, be given hope.

With all the adversities, strife and events that make you question 'why?'. May we continue to have faith and hope that there is always something better in store. It may not come today or tomorrow, but if we continue to live our daily lives, it will soon enough come to us.

Happy New Year everyone. Wishing us all the best for 2008! Hey! It's the year of the Rat! It should be my year!!! Can't wait!