I turned 36 last Sunday. Rob asked me if I was happy. I could only shrug my shoulders and give a wry smile.
I find it really weird that I always feel melancholic during and around the days that lead to my birthday. It has been this way ever since I was about 10. I have been trying to dig deep down to find out what could have caused me to feel so depressed in the hope that I could acknowledge and get over it. Was it events during my childhood? Is it the anxiety over getting old? Funny thing is, no matter how hard I try, I can't seem to shake it off.
It bugs me because I want to be joyful, I want to FEEL it. It bugs me even more that I have to force myself to perk up because I want to share the joy of my family. But I don't really feel it. Believe me I've been trying. Calling Dr. Phil?...
Could it be a fact of life that birthday celebrations are just really meant for kids? One where you are excited to receive presents, have people genuinely sing the Birthday Song? Feel the magic of it all. Could it be as one gets older, it should no longer be a celebration? A countdown maybe?
No. I refuse to think of it that way. I want to think and believe that it is a celebration of ones milestones. How far you have come. How much you have contributed to making this world a better place. Maybe that's just it. I don't feel like I have done much yet. I don't feel completely fulfilled. Maybe I equate it too much with money. Maybe my idea of a celebration is something I have not been able to do yet. Perhaps I am expecting too much? Expecting something magical to happen. Maybe I'll always be a kid at heart.
Even if I feel so somber, I am definitely thankful. Thankful for another year. Thankful that I can still celebrate it with my family. That I am still here, and that there are people that love me enough to actually celebrate. I really don't know what it would take for my feelings to change. I just hope I can figure it out soon, because I really don't want next year to be just another birthday...maybe I can try a different approach next time. We'll see...
Tuesday, February 19, 2008
Thursday, February 14, 2008
Generation Gap
With all the cold and snowstorms happening above us in China, we have been fortunate that the cold air from up there blows down to us here in Manila. It's been nice and cool lately...the perfect weather for colds and flu. There's this bug circulating in the house. I caught it first, now Alexa has it. Good thing I was able to take some precautionary measures and was able to avoid a full blown cold, cough and flu. What bums me is that I missed Jason's Combo Dance class at my gym this week. It's something I look forward to every week (aside from Sunday basketball).
Anyway, Mom and Aunt Jean flew in from Zambo. We had breakfast this morning and as usual indulged in their usual pastime...talking about other people. It was funny that as I sat there listening and exchanging views about marriage, parenting and everything else, I could not help but notice that no matter how hard we try to bridge it, there will always be a gap that generations just cannot reconcile. It's not that its a bad thing. I guess it's just that each person is comfortable with their own time and experiences that anything different would seem outrageous and extraordinary.
Is it that as we reach a certain age, we stop trying, or refuse, to learn about new things and experiences? We limit ourselves to that which are familiar and 'safe'.
As I listened to my Mom and Aunt react with horror at youth behavior today, I could sense within myself the feeling that, at least with them at this point, the old will stay with the old. I wondered if I will also feel the same about Lex and Rocco once they become teenagers. I mean, I would like to think that right now, I am making a conscious effort to know what is happening out there so that I will be able to understand and deal with it once it starts hitting closer to home. It's a fervent hope.
If I were to compare today to "my generation" a couple of decades ago, there has been so much change...how much more with my Mom's generation? But if I really think about it...it is just evolution. Everything was and is still connected. During my time, technology was just on the verge of bursting out. We didn't have mobile phones or computers, or the internet. But I wouldn't say it was less happy times than it is today(except that we were much younger and didn't have to worry about work and bills, etc.). I kinda liked the idea that we looked forward to going out to play with friends, hours of endless conversation on the telephone, Saturday morning cartoons, etc.
Today, at least for Lex, it's texting or chatting, watching MTV and going to Starbucks (go figure). But I know that in a few months, she will want to start going out with friends, and then--parties. I know eventually I won't be able to stop her. But with all the vices that are becoming increasingly socially acceptable, the only thing I can do is equip her with the knowledge that will allow her to judge and decide for herself. I'm pretty sure I'll still raise the roof now and then, but I guess it's only normal because I care for her. I still hope with determination that I don't cut myself off from the evolving world. This is now the world my kids are in. I can't reject it. I have to somehow find a place for myself in it so that I can still stay close to them and not be relegated to wallpaper. It may be a daunting task, but I have to try. For their sake...and mine.
Anyway, Mom and Aunt Jean flew in from Zambo. We had breakfast this morning and as usual indulged in their usual pastime...talking about other people. It was funny that as I sat there listening and exchanging views about marriage, parenting and everything else, I could not help but notice that no matter how hard we try to bridge it, there will always be a gap that generations just cannot reconcile. It's not that its a bad thing. I guess it's just that each person is comfortable with their own time and experiences that anything different would seem outrageous and extraordinary.
Is it that as we reach a certain age, we stop trying, or refuse, to learn about new things and experiences? We limit ourselves to that which are familiar and 'safe'.
As I listened to my Mom and Aunt react with horror at youth behavior today, I could sense within myself the feeling that, at least with them at this point, the old will stay with the old. I wondered if I will also feel the same about Lex and Rocco once they become teenagers. I mean, I would like to think that right now, I am making a conscious effort to know what is happening out there so that I will be able to understand and deal with it once it starts hitting closer to home. It's a fervent hope.
If I were to compare today to "my generation" a couple of decades ago, there has been so much change...how much more with my Mom's generation? But if I really think about it...it is just evolution. Everything was and is still connected. During my time, technology was just on the verge of bursting out. We didn't have mobile phones or computers, or the internet. But I wouldn't say it was less happy times than it is today(except that we were much younger and didn't have to worry about work and bills, etc.). I kinda liked the idea that we looked forward to going out to play with friends, hours of endless conversation on the telephone, Saturday morning cartoons, etc.
Today, at least for Lex, it's texting or chatting, watching MTV and going to Starbucks (go figure). But I know that in a few months, she will want to start going out with friends, and then--parties. I know eventually I won't be able to stop her. But with all the vices that are becoming increasingly socially acceptable, the only thing I can do is equip her with the knowledge that will allow her to judge and decide for herself. I'm pretty sure I'll still raise the roof now and then, but I guess it's only normal because I care for her. I still hope with determination that I don't cut myself off from the evolving world. This is now the world my kids are in. I can't reject it. I have to somehow find a place for myself in it so that I can still stay close to them and not be relegated to wallpaper. It may be a daunting task, but I have to try. For their sake...and mine.
Tuesday, January 29, 2008
It All Works Out...
So, yeah, I hardly slept the other night. I was so bothered by my blunder, even if I kept reminding myself to be kinder to myself(did that make sense?).
I mean, from experiences in the past I know now that no matter how bad things get, it all works out in the end. I still needed to bug myself so that I would at least try not to be so careless again. At my age, it seems to be happening more frequently(scary thought huh?).
Anyway, I did not find the receipt. But Lex and I headed out to Greenhills anyway to buy her shoes and try to refund the game. Wonders of wonders, the game was available and so we were able to do an exchange instead, even without the receipt! TYL!!! It all worked out!
By the way, I have added a new element to my site, the 'My Song of the Week'. Since I love music, I will be sharing my favorite stuff and maybe you'll like it too. This week it's Newton Faulkner's "I Need Something". First, you should check out how this guy plays guitar--awesome! Next, listen to his lyrics. I hope you'll feel hopeful and inspired as I am every time I hear this song.
I mean, from experiences in the past I know now that no matter how bad things get, it all works out in the end. I still needed to bug myself so that I would at least try not to be so careless again. At my age, it seems to be happening more frequently(scary thought huh?).
Anyway, I did not find the receipt. But Lex and I headed out to Greenhills anyway to buy her shoes and try to refund the game. Wonders of wonders, the game was available and so we were able to do an exchange instead, even without the receipt! TYL!!! It all worked out!
By the way, I have added a new element to my site, the 'My Song of the Week'. Since I love music, I will be sharing my favorite stuff and maybe you'll like it too. This week it's Newton Faulkner's "I Need Something". First, you should check out how this guy plays guitar--awesome! Next, listen to his lyrics. I hope you'll feel hopeful and inspired as I am every time I hear this song.
Sunday, January 27, 2008
Frustrated And Baffled!
Aaaaaahhh....I'm so flummoxed!!!(frustrated) Ever had one of those days where you just can't figure out where you left that darn receipt that you need to take back to the shop for a refund??!!! I've been in panic the last few hours wracking my brain
, trying to find the receipt for Alexa's Game Boy game that we had to return because although it says High School Musical on the sticker and box, the game itself is Pokemon. Since the HSM game was out of stock and we've been waiting for a month now, I decided to just ask for a refund.It's one of those days where you want to kick your own behind...and to think I was just holding it a few days ago because I called up the shop to follow up on the refund prior to actually going there. I'm so bummed out! I think, my blood pressure has been up as I can feel pain at the back of my neck.
I did ask the help if they possibly threw it out. They're not saying...as if they would in a case like this.
I wonder if the shop will accept even without the receipt. I mean, I have been conversing with them for a few weeks now. Wonder if there is a law that says the receipt is not required. I mean, I know the exact date when we purchased the item so I guess they can check their copy right? Aaaaargh!!! I have a head ache...I just hope I'll be able to sleep tonight and by some magic, I'll be able to find it tomorrow.
Wednesday, January 23, 2008
Man down!
It's a sad day for the movie world.
It has been reported that Heath Ledger was found dead at his Manhattan apartment. He was 28 and has a 2 year old daughter named Matilda (by actress Michell Williams).
Reports are still sketchy and there is still no confirmation as to the cause of his death. A bottle of sleeping pills was found by his bed but we won't know the real story until the autopsy is completed.
Rob and I love the movie "10 Things I Hate About You" (most especially the part where he sings "Can't Take My Eyes Off Of You")-this is actually one of our so-called 'Classics', as well as "A Knight's Tale". I was blown away by the actor's performance in "Brokeback Mountain". It's a shame we will no longer be able to see this actor grow into the big star that he was meant to be. I'll bet that there will be no end to the speculations as to why he died. And I'm pretty sure it will somehow be related to River Phoenix's untimely death years ago.
This is indeed another big loss for the film industry. Another case of gone too soon. May he rest in peace.
It has been reported that Heath Ledger was found dead at his Manhattan apartment. He was 28 and has a 2 year old daughter named Matilda (by actress Michell Williams).
Reports are still sketchy and there is still no confirmation as to the cause of his death. A bottle of sleeping pills was found by his bed but we won't know the real story until the autopsy is completed.
Rob and I love the movie "10 Things I Hate About You" (most especially the part where he sings "Can't Take My Eyes Off Of You")-this is actually one of our so-called 'Classics', as well as "A Knight's Tale". I was blown away by the actor's performance in "Brokeback Mountain". It's a shame we will no longer be able to see this actor grow into the big star that he was meant to be. I'll bet that there will be no end to the speculations as to why he died. And I'm pretty sure it will somehow be related to River Phoenix's untimely death years ago.
This is indeed another big loss for the film industry. Another case of gone too soon. May he rest in peace.
Sunday, January 20, 2008
7 years...7 years...
My parents separated when I was 7 years old. Growing up was pretty much like a roller coaster ride. Weekdays with Mom, weekends and summers with Dad and my older brothers. You could call it pretty dysfunctional, but by some miracle, me and my brothers turned out all okay and in a sense...normal. Sunday was always lunch at Moms, and even if Mom is now in Zamboanga permanently, my brothers and I still continue the Sunday lunch tradition (minus Davey who now helps out Mom in Zambo).
Today, Mike's car was in the shop and so I had to pick him and Louie up from their respective homes. It is a great comfort to have them living nearby and I could never picture having it any different. After a quick stop at the grocery, we headed to our house, or what I would like to call every Sunday as "Chub City".
This lunch was extra special as we were celebrating Rob and my 7th year wedding anniversary! Rob prepared a Mongolian style lunch, and it was great! I then brought the boys home and rested for Sunday basketball with the guys at RFM.
Hmmm...seven years...doesn't seem so long ago. But then I see Rocco who is now 5, and then I say, yes, 7 years. I've been wondering about that "itch" that most couples talk about. I mean, we did have that period of adjustment, even if we have been friends for 14 years prior to getting married, you never really know someone fully, even if you already live with them.
I would say that it's been a pretty exciting journey. Living a life with someone... with a promise of forever(APOF!). Now, its difficult picturing life without him. My kids have a father and a mother, and that's how I pray it will always be. This is one journey that I hope will never end, at least not until we breathe our last breath.
I remember being much younger and saying to myself that after seeing what happened to my parents, I would much rather never marry, nor have kids. Well, 5 years plus 7 years later, I look back and say a prayer of thanks. Things really have weird way of working out.
Now I look forward to 7 more...and 7 more after that...and 7 more after that...and...
Today, Mike's car was in the shop and so I had to pick him and Louie up from their respective homes. It is a great comfort to have them living nearby and I could never picture having it any different. After a quick stop at the grocery, we headed to our house, or what I would like to call every Sunday as "Chub City".
This lunch was extra special as we were celebrating Rob and my 7th year wedding anniversary! Rob prepared a Mongolian style lunch, and it was great! I then brought the boys home and rested for Sunday basketball with the guys at RFM.
Hmmm...seven years...doesn't seem so long ago. But then I see Rocco who is now 5, and then I say, yes, 7 years. I've been wondering about that "itch" that most couples talk about. I mean, we did have that period of adjustment, even if we have been friends for 14 years prior to getting married, you never really know someone fully, even if you already live with them.
I would say that it's been a pretty exciting journey. Living a life with someone... with a promise of forever(APOF!). Now, its difficult picturing life without him. My kids have a father and a mother, and that's how I pray it will always be. This is one journey that I hope will never end, at least not until we breathe our last breath.
I remember being much younger and saying to myself that after seeing what happened to my parents, I would much rather never marry, nor have kids. Well, 5 years plus 7 years later, I look back and say a prayer of thanks. Things really have weird way of working out.
Now I look forward to 7 more...and 7 more after that...and 7 more after that...and...
Friday, January 18, 2008
Rocco's Purple Star!
No classes for Rocco because it was Report Card Day! He was so happy that he did not have to wake up so early today. We brought him along with us as we planned to take him to Fun Ranch after getting his report card. Unfortunately we could not take Lex along as she had school.
Last quarter he was short a point of garnering a Purple Star or 2nd Honors and I was hoping that this quarter he would be able to get it. And he did!! In addition, he was again given a Certificate of Merit for Outstanding Conduct. That's our boy! I am so proud of him! I am so proud of our kids!! That made the trip to Fun Ranch a celebration of sorts. Too bad Alexa was not with us.
It was my first time to go there and I guess since it was still a school day, there was not much people around (a parents paradise!=) woohoo!)
We had lunch at the Big Red Barn.
The menu was close to those of TGIF and Burgoo, but still wanting in terms of taste. After lunch, we headed to the bumper cars. Rob and Rocco shared a car while I took another one. Since Rocco is very much into cars (and planes, and Star Wars, etc, etc.), it was not surprising that he would enjoy this ride. We also went to the Bumper Boats and then to the Arcade
...and then back to the Bumper Cars. The complex is quite small and there is only so much to do. But it does have potential...I'm just not sure how they can sustain the operations during school days. The rides are also quite pricey...Php 50.00 for 3 minutes per ride..but as a parent, that amount pales in comparison to that big smile on the face of your little one.
From there we walked over to Tiendesitas in the hope of finding Wii or PS2 games on sale. Instead, we stumbled upon this toy gun shop, and Rocco's prize for his achievement? A shotgun toy, just like his Kuya Miggy's. He also had fun seeing all the dogs on display at the pet shops. Being an animal lover myself, I could not take my attention away from the cute Akita pups. A few minutes later, Rocco was so excited to go home to play with his prize.
I think it is the silent wish of every parent that their kids do well in school, and in everything they want to do. It is not so much gaining awards...that to me, is already a bonus! And at this moment, I do consider our family blessed. Alexa is doing good as well. Both are healthy, happy and safe. I know there will always be the hope for something better for them, but for now, this is what brings me peace and much happiness. Thank you Lord!
Last quarter he was short a point of garnering a Purple Star or 2nd Honors and I was hoping that this quarter he would be able to get it. And he did!! In addition, he was again given a Certificate of Merit for Outstanding Conduct. That's our boy! I am so proud of him! I am so proud of our kids!! That made the trip to Fun Ranch a celebration of sorts. Too bad Alexa was not with us.
It was my first time to go there and I guess since it was still a school day, there was not much people around (a parents paradise!=) woohoo!)
We had lunch at the Big Red Barn.
The menu was close to those of TGIF and Burgoo, but still wanting in terms of taste. After lunch, we headed to the bumper cars. Rob and Rocco shared a car while I took another one. Since Rocco is very much into cars (and planes, and Star Wars, etc, etc.), it was not surprising that he would enjoy this ride. We also went to the Bumper Boats and then to the Arcade
...and then back to the Bumper Cars. The complex is quite small and there is only so much to do. But it does have potential...I'm just not sure how they can sustain the operations during school days. The rides are also quite pricey...Php 50.00 for 3 minutes per ride..but as a parent, that amount pales in comparison to that big smile on the face of your little one.
From there we walked over to Tiendesitas in the hope of finding Wii or PS2 games on sale. Instead, we stumbled upon this toy gun shop, and Rocco's prize for his achievement? A shotgun toy, just like his Kuya Miggy's. He also had fun seeing all the dogs on display at the pet shops. Being an animal lover myself, I could not take my attention away from the cute Akita pups. A few minutes later, Rocco was so excited to go home to play with his prize.
I think it is the silent wish of every parent that their kids do well in school, and in everything they want to do. It is not so much gaining awards...that to me, is already a bonus! And at this moment, I do consider our family blessed. Alexa is doing good as well. Both are healthy, happy and safe. I know there will always be the hope for something better for them, but for now, this is what brings me peace and much happiness. Thank you Lord!
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