Another year older

I turned 36 last Sunday. Rob asked me if I was happy. I could only shrug my shoulders and give a wry smile.

I find it really weird that I always feel melancholic during and around the days that lead to my birthday. It has been this way ever since I was about 10. I have been trying to dig deep down to find out what could have caused me to feel so depressed in the hope that I could acknowledge and get over it. Was it events during my childhood? Is it the anxiety over getting old? Funny thing is, no matter how hard I try, I can't seem to shake it off.

It bugs me because I want to be joyful, I want to FEEL it. It bugs me even more that I have to force myself to perk up because I want to share the joy of my family. But I don't really feel it. Believe me I've been trying. Calling Dr. Phil?...

Could it be a fact of life that birthday celebrations are just really meant for kids? One where you are excited to receive presents, have people genuinely sing the Birthday Song? Feel the magic of it all. Could it be as one gets older, it should no longer be a celebration? A countdown maybe?

No. I refuse to think of it that way. I want to think and believe that it is a celebration of ones milestones. How far you have come. How much you have contributed to making this world a better place. Maybe that's just it. I don't feel like I have done much yet. I don't feel completely fulfilled. Maybe I equate it too much with money. Maybe my idea of a celebration is something I have not been able to do yet. Perhaps I am expecting too much? Expecting something magical to happen. Maybe I'll always be a kid at heart.

Even if I feel so somber, I am definitely thankful. Thankful for another year. Thankful that I can still celebrate it with my family. That I am still here, and that there are people that love me enough to actually celebrate. I really don't know what it would take for my feelings to change. I just hope I can figure it out soon, because I really don't want next year to be just another birthday...maybe I can try a different approach next time. We'll see...

High-Fat Potato Chips

when i was in college, we were tasked to make documentaries featuring ourselves. i particularly remember a docu made by a friend, Frank Aldana. his docu focused on his fear of getting old and i remember saying to myself that i could hardly wait to get old.

this way of thinking was a result of growing up under the strict scrutiny of my mom and i equated growing up, being employed, getting "old" (ie., being able to do what i want) as a release from those binds.

here i am, 34 years old and with 2 kids. my daughter just celebrated her 11th birthday while my son just turned 4. do i feel old? hmmm...in certain aspects, yes i do. do i feel scared? in some ways, yes.

i feel old in the sense that i can feel that i'm slowing down physically. though i have not stopped playing sports since college, there has definitely been a lot of changes. you begin to feel sluggish, and though it seems like you are running, you look down at your legs and you see them moving at a much slower pace. i guess the only thing that scares me is the fear of the illnesses that come with the territory. i have noticed problems remembering things and it somehow causes some concern. my imagination is so out there that i begin to panic at the littlest of things that i feel.

but...that, is inevitable. growing old that is. the only thing i can do is try to prepare in any way i can. that includes trying to cut down on the things i used to enjoy (emphasis on "trying"). vices, too much sweets and salty food. not that successful yet though. one of my deepest desires is to go back to the gym (aside from getting more sleep). i just need to devote the time...and when i do, it would be a feat in itself.

i remember someone saying that you always see yourself as far more worse than you really are...fatter, older looking than you actually are. come to think of it, it's true! if only i could have appreciated myself more, i would have been a little bit more adventurous with certain things, like clothes (i was always one to wear jeans and loose shirts to cover the fat i always thought was there). then i look at a picture of myself years ago and i'd say to myself: "hey! i was thin pala!"

so here i am, years later and a few pounds heavier (conservative on the "few"). and i am already scared of wrinkles, eyebags, wiggly arms and cellulite.

but hey! though i may be older, i'm much wiser, and a much better person. and, i get to do what i want!!! it's still good. and as i continue to age, high-fat will turn to low-fat and high-sugar to low-sugar. but that's the way it is. you just have to make the best of where you are and what you have at that given moment. at least you'll have peace.

written 6-19-2006