when i was in college, we were tasked to make documentaries featuring ourselves. i particularly remember a docu made by a friend, Frank Aldana. his docu focused on his fear of getting old and i remember saying to myself that i could hardly wait to get old.
this way of thinking was a result of growing up under the strict scrutiny of my mom and i equated growing up, being employed, getting "old" (ie., being able to do what i want) as a release from those binds.
here i am, 34 years old and with 2 kids. my daughter just celebrated her 11th birthday while my son just turned 4. do i feel old? hmmm...in certain aspects, yes i do. do i feel scared? in some ways, yes.
i feel old in the sense that i can feel that i'm slowing down physically. though i have not stopped playing sports since college, there has definitely been a lot of changes. you begin to feel sluggish, and though it seems like you are running, you look down at your legs and you see them moving at a much slower pace. i guess the only thing that scares me is the fear of the illnesses that come with the territory. i have noticed problems remembering things and it somehow causes some concern. my imagination is so out there that i begin to panic at the littlest of things that i feel.
but...that, is inevitable. growing old that is. the only thing i can do is try to prepare in any way i can. that includes trying to cut down on the things i used to enjoy (emphasis on "trying"). vices, too much sweets and salty food. not that successful yet though. one of my deepest desires is to go back to the gym (aside from getting more sleep). i just need to devote the time...and when i do, it would be a feat in itself.
i remember someone saying that you always see yourself as far more worse than you really are...fatter, older looking than you actually are. come to think of it, it's true! if only i could have appreciated myself more, i would have been a little bit more adventurous with certain things, like clothes (i was always one to wear jeans and loose shirts to cover the fat i always thought was there). then i look at a picture of myself years ago and i'd say to myself: "hey! i was thin pala!"
so here i am, years later and a few pounds heavier (conservative on the "few"). and i am already scared of wrinkles, eyebags, wiggly arms and cellulite.
but hey! though i may be older, i'm much wiser, and a much better person. and, i get to do what i want!!! it's still good. and as i continue to age, high-fat will turn to low-fat and high-sugar to low-sugar. but that's the way it is. you just have to make the best of where you are and what you have at that given moment. at least you'll have peace.
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