A Bed and a Bag of Potato Chips

Short term goal : to walk from Building A to the end of Building B of SM Megamall without hearing my mobile phone ring.

Target date to reach short term goal : August 16, 2007

After almost 12 years, I finally bid adieu to my friends and second family at my current place of employment. To be honest, I always thought I would retire in that company (I was hoping to). But things do change, as did the people and subsequently the culture in the company. And I had to make the command decision to take ownership of my life. I decided once and for all I own me. Time to move on...

For the past 7 or so years, I always had this nagging thought inside me that I needed to venture out, seek greener pastures, find something better, more personal fulfillment...be happier career-wise. And even if everyday became a struggle, I could not move on as I was always scared. Scared that I would endanger the financial stability of my family. Scared that I would not be able to find something better. Wimpy. So I made like an ostrich and buried my head in the company, finding consolation in the friendships I had and hoping that my efforts and loyalty would actually reap benefits later. Then I was made to realize that loyalty there means nothing and that all the effort I put in had eventually just burned me out.

It got so bad that I would be at home, on my bed, with a bag of potato chips on one hand, and a cup of caramel sundae on another, bawling at the comedic parts of the movie "Armageddon" and a few years later, "Click" as it was shown on cable.

Then came the day that my daughter actually asked me, "Mom? When are you going to find a new job? One where no one calls you at night?". I realized that it was taking its toll on my kids as well. Our few minutes of quality time every night was often interrupted by calls from the bosses and clients. I was not the only one affected anymore.

The only quiet time I had was at bath time, where I would argue with my God on why nothing better has come along, wondering if I had passed up any opportunities that He may have put my way, and asking, no, begging Him to reveal His plans for me.

Then the company did the next best thing. They decided to reorganize, as they do every year, and adopt changes which made it much easier for me to make a decision.

Slowly I realized, what am I doing here? Is this all worth it? Why am I putting up with it? I own my life! I decide. I make my own happiness. But to take charge would mean having to let go of so many things and start from scratch. Start over. BABY STEPS.

And that was it. I had decided that I needed to do something now before I evenutally end up with a serious nervous breakdown. All I needed was to make a decision. I am 35 and my priorities have changed. I want to LIVE! and enjoy life with my family.

Right now my mind is in such disarray that if you ask me what I plan to do, all I can say is REST and spend time with the kids.

Financially, it is a BIG risk. The retirement pay was not as attractive as I had hoped it would be. It is just enough to cover debts we need to pay. But at least we're together. We will all work on it together. Adjustments will need to be made, but at least we will be there to help each other.

Now, this is MY FEAR FACTOR. Fear of the unknown. I am actually on a free fall. But I am slowly accepting that I need not have all the answers now. And maybe this is what He was trying to tell me all along. You don't have to be stuck in a rut. You always have a choice. And no matter where this decision will lead, He will always be with me. And this is what I have to look forward to. Trust and faith. I still don't have it at a 100%, but I am working on it.

And right now, I am counting the days until I can achieve my short term goal. And when I have done it, I will see what happens next, and where it will take me. But at least it will be on my own terms, my own time.

written 7-23-2007