A footnote to "A Bed and a Bag..."

Just a footnote to my previous blog:

With the days winding down to my last day in the company, a development surfaced which has shown me the power of faith.

Our CEO offered me the chance to keep my tenure in the company. I could not help but feel that at least somehow my loyalty and efforts did mean something to some people after all--even if at the last minute. I was impressed that he actually took the initiative to really check with HR on what options I had, as well as trying to find solutions to my financial needs. Bosses like these are a dime a dozen, and I did appreciate very much the personal effort.

I was allowed a 4 month indefinite leave with the option to return or proceed with my resignation. After minor details were ironed out, it seemed like a pretty good deal.

Though to be honest, a nagging voice kept telling me to "go ahead and go", and I feared that I might not be bold enough to venture out since my comfort zone is just waiting in the wings, but in the end it was too good an offer to pass up. Would you have done differently?

Without being dramatic, I really need to say that I am so grateful to Him. This just shows that He will always provide for me and never leave me, as He has done so many times before. Even if sometimes I feel like I can't seem to find Him, He always finds me. God is great!

So last Thursday my company mobile phone was disconnected prematurely. What does this mean? The loosening of the apron strings has begun. But more importantly, that I can actually try to achieve my short term goal earlier than I expected.

Oh what a glorious feeling!

written 8-10-2007

A Bed and a Bag of Potato Chips

Short term goal : to walk from Building A to the end of Building B of SM Megamall without hearing my mobile phone ring.

Target date to reach short term goal : August 16, 2007

After almost 12 years, I finally bid adieu to my friends and second family at my current place of employment. To be honest, I always thought I would retire in that company (I was hoping to). But things do change, as did the people and subsequently the culture in the company. And I had to make the command decision to take ownership of my life. I decided once and for all I own me. Time to move on...

For the past 7 or so years, I always had this nagging thought inside me that I needed to venture out, seek greener pastures, find something better, more personal fulfillment...be happier career-wise. And even if everyday became a struggle, I could not move on as I was always scared. Scared that I would endanger the financial stability of my family. Scared that I would not be able to find something better. Wimpy. So I made like an ostrich and buried my head in the company, finding consolation in the friendships I had and hoping that my efforts and loyalty would actually reap benefits later. Then I was made to realize that loyalty there means nothing and that all the effort I put in had eventually just burned me out.

It got so bad that I would be at home, on my bed, with a bag of potato chips on one hand, and a cup of caramel sundae on another, bawling at the comedic parts of the movie "Armageddon" and a few years later, "Click" as it was shown on cable.

Then came the day that my daughter actually asked me, "Mom? When are you going to find a new job? One where no one calls you at night?". I realized that it was taking its toll on my kids as well. Our few minutes of quality time every night was often interrupted by calls from the bosses and clients. I was not the only one affected anymore.

The only quiet time I had was at bath time, where I would argue with my God on why nothing better has come along, wondering if I had passed up any opportunities that He may have put my way, and asking, no, begging Him to reveal His plans for me.

Then the company did the next best thing. They decided to reorganize, as they do every year, and adopt changes which made it much easier for me to make a decision.

Slowly I realized, what am I doing here? Is this all worth it? Why am I putting up with it? I own my life! I decide. I make my own happiness. But to take charge would mean having to let go of so many things and start from scratch. Start over. BABY STEPS.

And that was it. I had decided that I needed to do something now before I evenutally end up with a serious nervous breakdown. All I needed was to make a decision. I am 35 and my priorities have changed. I want to LIVE! and enjoy life with my family.

Right now my mind is in such disarray that if you ask me what I plan to do, all I can say is REST and spend time with the kids.

Financially, it is a BIG risk. The retirement pay was not as attractive as I had hoped it would be. It is just enough to cover debts we need to pay. But at least we're together. We will all work on it together. Adjustments will need to be made, but at least we will be there to help each other.

Now, this is MY FEAR FACTOR. Fear of the unknown. I am actually on a free fall. But I am slowly accepting that I need not have all the answers now. And maybe this is what He was trying to tell me all along. You don't have to be stuck in a rut. You always have a choice. And no matter where this decision will lead, He will always be with me. And this is what I have to look forward to. Trust and faith. I still don't have it at a 100%, but I am working on it.

And right now, I am counting the days until I can achieve my short term goal. And when I have done it, I will see what happens next, and where it will take me. But at least it will be on my own terms, my own time.

written 7-23-2007

Tater Tots

June is always a special month for our family. aside from the fact that it's the time when the kids go back to school, more importantly, it's when they celebrate their birthdays.

Alexa just turned 11 and Rocco turned 4. their birthdays are actually 8 days apart. it is in some ways a blessing as we can have a joint celebration which ultimately cuts expenses. but you can just imagine the difficulty in planning their birthday parties due to the age gap. this year Alexa is into the Avril Lavigne/goth/punk thing and Rocco is into Hot Wheels. planning these types of events is something i enjoy doing (though i wouldn't feel the joy during the course of the planning and execution). in the end, i would say it was pretty successful.

Lex (or Lexi as she wants to be called) can already be categorized as a "tween", this new term that they call kids 10-12 years old. i remember a few years back she asked me "when can i do whatever i want?" and Rob and I jokingly answered, "when you're 30". but that very thought going through her mind, that 'wanting' made me realize that she is growing up much faster than expected, and that i need to be there for her more than ever. we got her an iRiver mp3 player for her birthday and since then she has been walking around with earphones and talking with a louder voice than usual. songs stored in the player are Avril Lavigne, Kelly Clarkson, Black Eyed Peas...and, songs from Disney's High School Musical(which incidentally, are also on my ipod).

though she is extremely tall for her age. i can see that she is more inclined to the arts (like me). she has a flair for drawing, and can carry a tune. i am now trying to encourage her to join their school choir. she definitely needs a boost of self-esteem and i hope that would help. she is also naturally athletic and can pick up athletic form fast. i hope she would pursue a sport eventually, even just for the fun of it.

Rocco on the other hand, is a bubbling young boy with a curious bright mind. i remember when he was still a baby, he would always be kicking and stretching his arms and legs, and Rob and i would say with much excitement that it was in preparation for his athletic career (i also thought it was because he came into this world even before the anesthesia kicked in). he is fascinated with wheels and used to get so excited when he would see cars moving as he would just stare at the moving wheels, mouth agape. aside from cars and fire trucks, his new interest has turned to jet planes. just this week he has been asking us everyday to buy him a bomber. He now has about 6 jet planes that he plays with everyday.

and though years apart, there is no mistaking that they are brother and sister. we can see how Lex loves her brother, even if most of the time he tries to immerse himself in what his ate is doing(which annoys her). and for some reason, Lex is the only one in the family that can elicit a real good laugh from Rocco, even if it is just making a funny face or action. ever since Rocco was a baby, it was only Lex who could make him giggle and eventually break into laughter.

and these are our kids. so young, innocent, and still full of unconditional love. they still see us as their whole world. but in a few years, it will be Rob and I trying to fight for their attention. i just hope and pray that we raise them to be the best they can be...and happy. i remember telling myself when i was around 20 years old that i didn't want to have kids. well, i guess God had much different plans for me...and I'm glad He did! coz i don't think i would've been the me i am now, if not for them.

written 6-28-2006